Does Parenting Intimidate you?
8 September 2015 01:06 pm
By Shehara Rizly
A Challenge Or a Pain?
We all have our definition when it comes to parenting our children. Some of us see it as a pure challenge and others find it very difficult to get used to as they have other important things in life other than children. Children complete the word "family" and we should remember, that they would always take their parents ways of expression and action very seriously.
Is Parenting Stressful?
Parenting is not an easy task but it is manageable. As with all our other work parenting too could be enjoyed, the only fact is your attitude. If you are a person with a very positive outlook then parenting would be quite natural and easy. If you do tend to be at least a bit on the negative side then it would cause you quite a lot of stress. Late marriages for females are quite common in
Sri Lanka than a couple of years back. The reason for some to stay single is because they are too fearful of the experiences they had when they were children.
Biological Parents But Emotional Children
Those who find parenting intimidating are in reality, emotional children themselves. Therefore, far from looking after a child, they themselves feel the need to be looked after, with someone else assuming responsibility for them. This is because of their own dysfunctional upbringing, which leaves them stunted as needy kids at the emotional level.
Nelum's upbringing took place in a house-hold with a maniac depressive father and social worker mother, who used to help others as a coping strategy to get out of her own difficult environment. Nelum and her siblings were left alone to cope within the imbalanced environment where,while they were looking after their father, they had no one to look after them. She grew up to be a needy woman who just could not get enough of her husband's time and affection. Her emotional hunger for demonstrative love, nurturing and validation remained unsatiated in spite of everything her husband did for her. When she had a daughter, she was extremely overwhelmed
and intimidated with the thought of giving of herself, as her own neediness superseded
her daughter's need for nurturing from her. She kept sending her daughter from one relative to another to be looked after, while continuing to nag her husband to fill her emotional vacuum. When the daughter would be with her for a short while she would obsessively do things for her to make up for the guilt of sending her off, by cooking special foods and feeding her, getting her
expensive toys and clothes, so as to prove a point to herself that she was a good parent.
The true fact remained that being with her daughter made her anxious and nervous.
Transcending Their Own Needs
Emotionally needy parents like Nelum can sometimes become so obsessive and zealous in their
parenting that they go to the extreme of doing absolutely everything for their children
on their own, as they need to feel that they are the best parents. The truth is that all along, they feel intimidated with the task of parenting and wishing that they did not have to do it.Even before you become a parent you should become an emotional adult.
Disapproval Inhibits Parenting
Sometimes, parents are intimidated with parenting one child and not another. This is because the child they are overwhelmed with does not conform to their DO's and DONTs and asserts his/her own individuality. A feeling of loss of control over non-conformist children makes the parent not want to parent them, which only makes matters worse. The child feels rejected and
acts up more in order to gain acceptance and validation from the parent.
Competing With Your Children
Parents sometimes feel competitive with the same sex child, especially as the child becomes an adolescent and then an adult. Jealousy in the parent for the child is often seen, if the child gets more attention from the other parent and if the relationship of the couple is strained.
Anxious for Excellence
Emotional incapability and unwillingness to parent make parenting appear like a daunting task. There are also other practical problems that intimidate parents. Sometimes, both parents are
absorbed in building their careers and leave their children at day cares with relatives or
domestics. They also face the social pressure of producing a super race of those who can do-it-all and have-it all.
(All names are fictitious)