Making a Marriage Work
8 October 2015 01:36 pm
By Sirohmi Gunesekera(Teacher, Attorney-at-Law and Researcher into Human Relations & The Family Unit)
He scolded her and she burst into tears. Then he stormed out of the room, banging the door behind him. Both were upset and the ugly word ‘divorce’ hung in the air! It was late in the evening and both had calmed down. She decided that she had to be the brave one to refer to their fight.
After all, both had friends who were divorced and somehow she knew that deep down, neither she nor her husband wanted to separate. They had their fights but she knew that one or the other would later come round. Sometimes he or she apologised but she had gone to a marriage counsellor who had told her that both parties must make amends if the relationship is to work.
So she decided that she would catch him in a good mood after his shower. She brought him a glass of Passiona and then she asked him gently why he had scolded her. He was brusque at first but she knew he had told her when they were courting that he had a bad temper but his short fuse could be handled. In fact, he actually told her that he was sorry he had made her cry. Emboldened by his admission, she admitted that she was too sensitive and must learn to adjust. He told her that he hated it when she cried because he felt it was a reproach. “I don’t cry and I feel uncomfortable when you cry!”he told her.
At least it was an admission and she felt that their relationship was progressing beyond the initial fight. “After all, married couples fight because they often disagree and each marriage has its ups and downs. What is important is not to carry over past resentment and keep grudges. Ideally, you should sort out problems each day and not let the sun set on your anger for tomorrow is a new day in the marriage!”said a counsellor.
Should a husband or wife confide their problems to another? It helps to let off steam, especially if you are sure that the story will go no further. “There is relief from tension and prevents a spouse from bottling up anger or pain.”said a volunteer at “Sri Lanka Sumithrayo”(telephone 2692909), adding, “We at Sumithrayo have been trained to listen and empathise with a caller and many say that they have obtained relief sometimes after bottling up hurt or pain for years.”Confiding in a trustworthy person like a volunteer may be better than going to a lawyer and initiating expensive divorce proceedings. Anyway, divorce is not to be done in haste or anger but only after years of acrimony and inability to solve problems and face life together.
It is important to keep in mind that even years after a divorce, there should be no regrets. “A stitch in time saves nine” and it is better to swallow your pride and try your best to sort things out while you can.
Even an extra-marital affair is no reason for a marriage to break. After a fling due to boredom with a routine marriage, a husband or wife may want to come back and a wise and mature spouse will be ready to take him or her back provided there is honest admission and a willingness to make amends. In fact, some marriages may emerge stronger in the marital relationship after a temporary break. “Sex is an important factor in a marriage and couples should never give up sexual satisfaction even after children are born. There is temptation especially in the workplace and a husband and wife must satisfy each other emotionally and sexually so there is no need to stray.” said the counsellor.
So if you are married, it is never too late to start working at your marital relationship, airing your feelings and making each day and night worth living!
(Images courtesy internet)